Knock, knock!

Whose there?

Sword.

Sword who?

Sword in the gut, that's who!

Its a sad state of things when one has to rely on jokes to express how they feel but there it is and that's what I'm doing. All my life I've been with the understanding that my birth father didn't care for me. And now I've come to find that I was apparently the light of his life, that this man would come home from fourteen hour shifts and spend the rest of the night playing with me, that he would come home during lunch break and return to work covered in my baby drool and dog hair all the while smiling.

I've spent many, many years being angry at this man, hating him for what he put my mother through. I'm beginning to think that I've hated him for the wrong reasons. I was hating him for what happened in his relationship with my mom. Where to go from here? How do I find him and express to him the injustice I've done him? My whole life I've bought into my mother's views knowing that she was skewed in her opinion of him. I will never discount the pain she went through with him. Now I know though that she was unequally as unhealthy for him.

What do you say to a person you've labeled nothing more than just a dark figure in your past? I'm more terrified of ever contacting him now than I ever was. Its been so much easier for me to believe that he was some cruel man who cared nothing about me. I think that's why I never questioned it. It's been easier to face that then consider the fact that there is another man out there that would want to be a father to me but for whatever reason wasn't.

I don't even know where I would begin. I'm 21 with the body of a worn-out 40 year old. I'm not interesting in saving humanity and I'm not even sure I would if I could. I spend my days browsing random articles of interest, complaining about my stretch marks to a friend who is nearly tens years older than me, watching my bettas, swiftly becoming the crazy cat lady on the block (currently Michelle holds that title but there's still hope), and I'm the one idiot in the world who is the proud owner of a Super Uterus to whom birth control makes not an iota of difference.

I obsessively watch GemsTv, and when I can't watch it on my aunt and uncle's big screen, I watch it on the internet. The only things I know how to talk about are cats, bettas, and gemstones. I'm moody, downright neurotic at times...the list goes on and on. I know my dad is proud of me, though I've fucked up my first shot at education, got knocked up, and torn apart everyone who has ever had the heart and patience to get close to me.

Jesus Christ, he's never going to want to meet me. Why is it that I want to impress a man I've never known? I feel like some adolescent attention seeker crawling into the lap of the nearest jailbait hunter, hoping to get at least some sort of attention. There is something wrong with me.

I would pity purchase myself from GemsTv but I already have a silver Lapis Lazuli ring on the way and a lemon citrine/white topaz pendent on the way. Anything more and Adam might toss me out the nearest window.